Review: How To Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years, by Julie A. Ross, M.A.

In Porcupine, Ross discusses several ways to approach common problems of adolescent behavior and its effects on the family. Her primary assertion is that parents should take a ‘relationship’ approach, because at this stage they will no longer be able to physically control him or her, and must now rely on the quality of the relationship they have with the child to provide the basis for all interaction. Parents must understand that hormones and social changes make the tween years especially sensitive, and to control their reflexive responses of anger, worry and overprotection and work towards interactions that are less reflexive and more constructive. In order to foster open communication, parents should have family meetings, avoid blocking children’s expressions via unhelpful emotional reactions or overhelping (problem solving) that displays a lack of trust or enables childish behavior. It is vital for a parent to be engaged in the child’s interests in order to have a basis for a solid relationship. Finally, a child’s self-esteem should be fostered with encouragement of the effort used rather than generic praise of an outcome, such as praising hard work rather than an easily-won good grade.

Although they were obviously fictitious, the ‘personal stories’ are helpful because they break up the advice sections and give examples of behavior in a non-clinical manner. The writing is very accessible to the average person, and doesn’t require any particular knowledge of psychology. Particularly for the less well-read parent, many of the ideas and concepts may be fairly new or different from what they have experienced or tried in the past.

While the author includes many examples of different ‘brands’ of bad behavior – defiance, moral ambiguity, slacking off at home and school – many of the examples seem much the same, just with a slightly different twist. In the ‘coffee group’ the author has created, only mothers participate, which I found to be disappointing, because that implies that only women are expected to be involved in parenting. In fact, in several examples, the father is another drag in the mother’s life, by either being non-supportive or downright blaming the mother for the child’s behavior. That seemed strangely behind the times for a book that dictates such new-age parenting. My main complaint, though, is that the author exemplifies tolerance for all but the most extreme mouthing off, which I find completely untenable; she preaches respect for the child, but yet doesn’t demand it for the parent.

Ross makes several useful points that seem obvious, but in the heat of the moment may get thrown by the wayside: self-esteem has to come from the inside; children need to be allowed to learn on their own and deal with the consequences of their actions; parents should act interested in their children’s activities even if they’re not so they can be aware and involved in their child’s life. Core nuggets of advice like these are highlighted by separate placement and font from the rest of the writing, making a skim-through easy for those looking for particular sections or a simple refresher.

Rating: 3.5 stars: a decent starting place for basic challenges of tweenage parenting problems